Zombies on ice
John Pfortmiller
Issue date: 10/26/09 Section: Sports
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Since 1902, when ice hockey began employing professional players, zombies and the large masses of undead have been playing in their own ice hockey league.
"This ice hockey thing has been really big with the undead community, as we have some trouble moving quickly on land," said Eye Gouger, a zombie coach who abruptly ended our interview after he smelled fresh brains.
The undead are notoriously sluggish in their movement on land.
This has been depicted in several forms of zombie media.
However, none of these movies, video games or comics ever show what the masses of undead can do in an ice hockey rink.
Zombie Ice Hockey follows similar rules to non-zombie ice hockey, but contains a few changes made by the Zombie Ice Hockey League of America.
These changes include positions, how penalties are handled and physical contact/checking rules.
Instead of using a regulation puck, they use brains. This intensifies the action for the crowd. Zombies will do just about anything to get to those brains.
The change in positions only applies to the enforcer.
The enforcer is a position notoriously known in non-zombie ice hockey as the "tough guy" or "fighter" on the team. Enforcers have been weeded out as a position since the 2004-2005 NHL season.
However, Zombies very much love the position and even added an extra element to it.
Their version of the enforcer is called a Reaper and his "hockey stick" is actually a scythe.
As gruesome as it sounds, the zombies really seem to get a kick out of it as they can easily stitch themselves back together.
Any form of decapitation by the Reaper is strictly penalized, as a headless zombie is a permanently dead zombie.
To help prevent accidental, or sometimes intentional, decapitation, the players all wear a thick metal neck guard that starts from the bottom of their chin (or what's left of it) and extends to their shoulders, providing good protection.
The penalty box rules are only slightly different. The penalty box is accompanied with a high voltage current.
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