Spring Break
The Oscars: it's all about the money
Corey Light
Issue date: 2/23/09 Section: Culture
"Hellboy II" ($82.5 million) would have stayed just the same, except for the extra money that could possibly make Ron Perlman's dialog coherent.
"Wall-E" ($180 million) would have been reduced to the animation equivalent of a Cartoon Network show - probably resembling "The Powerpuff Girls".
"Slumdog Millionaire" ($14 million) would have included known actors instead of rookies - perhaps Kal Penn from "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" as Jamal and Mindy Kaling, also known as "Kelly" from "The Office" as Latika. Furthermore, Michael Bay would have directed.
All of the nominees in the short film category would have been made into feature-length movies, thus destroying their inherent dignity.
Lastly, "Iron Man" ($186 million) would have never been made at all, saving millions of people time and money, while spurring Robert Downey Jr. to fall into another five-year stint of substance abuse.
We are told that money isn't everything. But sometimes, cash means quite a bit.
So the next time you see a film, think about the forces behind the feature.
As for me, you can be assured that I was rooting for the underdogs of the film industry during the award ceremony. You could even say, the slumdog.
clight@unews.com
"Wall-E" ($180 million) would have been reduced to the animation equivalent of a Cartoon Network show - probably resembling "The Powerpuff Girls".
"Slumdog Millionaire" ($14 million) would have included known actors instead of rookies - perhaps Kal Penn from "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" as Jamal and Mindy Kaling, also known as "Kelly" from "The Office" as Latika. Furthermore, Michael Bay would have directed.
All of the nominees in the short film category would have been made into feature-length movies, thus destroying their inherent dignity.
Lastly, "Iron Man" ($186 million) would have never been made at all, saving millions of people time and money, while spurring Robert Downey Jr. to fall into another five-year stint of substance abuse.
We are told that money isn't everything. But sometimes, cash means quite a bit.
So the next time you see a film, think about the forces behind the feature.
As for me, you can be assured that I was rooting for the underdogs of the film industry during the award ceremony. You could even say, the slumdog.
clight@unews.com
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