The recession has its upsides
Derek Simons
Issue date: 2/16/09 Section: Forum
In these dire economic times we all have to look for the silver lining and, goodness gracious me, I think I've finally found mine.
If you (like I did for many years), travel regularly for work, it might just be your silver lining too, so bear with me here.
Think of all of the hotels you've ever visited. Think of all the time you've spent in hotel elevators.
Now take it one step further and think back to how your ears have been assaulted, your taste offended and your mind numbed by countless hours of bland, impersonal music during those elevator rides.
It's a music so - and I'm using the term "music" very liberally here - so vague, so nondescript as to defy identification by even the most experienced DJ on the planet.
Listening to soft, piano-bar versions of something that could be "Stairway to Heaven" (or just as easily "Pennies from Heaven") makes me want to punch some buttons, to floor someone.
And then, just when I think I've figured out what tune is being massacred, the elevator arrives at destination.
This aural infection has a name many of you already know.
It's called Muzak.
Muzak is actually a company, but its heinous abuse of sound waves over the last 75 years has made the company's name synonymous with everything that is wrong about creating a "musically-relaxing atmosphere."
The term "Muzak" no longer represents something you listen to, but rather something you step in.
It was designed not only for elevators, but also for shopping malls, supermarkets and (incredible as it may seem) dentists' offices. As if the dentist's drill wasn't enough, insult to injury, you are forced to absorb the easy-listening (an obvious oxymoron) version of "Anarchy in the U.K."
The ideal listeners for Muzak are the zombies from George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead." Well, maybe that's an exaggeration.
Muzak doesn't require at all costs zombie-like qualities.
This is because, when played enough, you become a zombie, standing in the elevator in silence, stumbling through the shopping mall like sheep.
But now comes some amazing news.
Due to the financial crisis, Muzak filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, citing (with its typical vagueness) debts ranging from $100 million to $500 million.
Who knew drippy elevator music could be a billion-dollar business - that a sonic water-torture could be so profitable?
If Muzak goes under, I will raise a toast to honest music everywhere. I will sing (off key) praise to the joys of real music.
Certainly, some people will lose their jobs.
But honestly, if you worked for Muzak, you were looking for trouble anyway.
dsimons@unews.com
If you (like I did for many years), travel regularly for work, it might just be your silver lining too, so bear with me here.
Think of all of the hotels you've ever visited. Think of all the time you've spent in hotel elevators.
Now take it one step further and think back to how your ears have been assaulted, your taste offended and your mind numbed by countless hours of bland, impersonal music during those elevator rides.
It's a music so - and I'm using the term "music" very liberally here - so vague, so nondescript as to defy identification by even the most experienced DJ on the planet.
Listening to soft, piano-bar versions of something that could be "Stairway to Heaven" (or just as easily "Pennies from Heaven") makes me want to punch some buttons, to floor someone.
And then, just when I think I've figured out what tune is being massacred, the elevator arrives at destination.
This aural infection has a name many of you already know.
It's called Muzak.
Muzak is actually a company, but its heinous abuse of sound waves over the last 75 years has made the company's name synonymous with everything that is wrong about creating a "musically-relaxing atmosphere."
The term "Muzak" no longer represents something you listen to, but rather something you step in.
It was designed not only for elevators, but also for shopping malls, supermarkets and (incredible as it may seem) dentists' offices. As if the dentist's drill wasn't enough, insult to injury, you are forced to absorb the easy-listening (an obvious oxymoron) version of "Anarchy in the U.K."
The ideal listeners for Muzak are the zombies from George Romero's "Night of the Living Dead." Well, maybe that's an exaggeration.
Muzak doesn't require at all costs zombie-like qualities.
This is because, when played enough, you become a zombie, standing in the elevator in silence, stumbling through the shopping mall like sheep.
But now comes some amazing news.
Due to the financial crisis, Muzak filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection, citing (with its typical vagueness) debts ranging from $100 million to $500 million.
Who knew drippy elevator music could be a billion-dollar business - that a sonic water-torture could be so profitable?
If Muzak goes under, I will raise a toast to honest music everywhere. I will sing (off key) praise to the joys of real music.
Certainly, some people will lose their jobs.
But honestly, if you worked for Muzak, you were looking for trouble anyway.
dsimons@unews.com
Be the first to comment on this story