Spring Break
Horoscope
April 23-29
Hassel Wander
Issue date: 4/23/07 Section: Culture
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ARIES
March 21-April 20
Open the horizons of art for a young child who is distantly related to you by giving them a violin. Take pleasure in the suffering of their parents.
TAURUS
April 21-May 20
Show your friendly and outgoing nature to the people you meet this week by giving them breath mints.
GEMINI
May 21-June 21
Only pansies and boozers wear suits. Real people wear real clothes: real men wear muscle shirts and cut-offs and real women wear sweatpants and stained T-shirts.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
To flesh out your résumé and demonstrate your roundedness as a person, add all the cons that you have attended. Gen Con and Dragon*Con are important experiences for that new job.
LEO
July 23-Aug. 22
Observe Talk Like a Cockney Day on April 25. This little-known progeny of Talk like a Pirate Day is one of the hottest up-and-coming holidays. It's sure to rival Boxing Day in the near future.
VIRGO
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Buy yourself a slurpie and chug it. If you can chug it in under 30 seconds, something good might happen . . . it's called a brain freeze.
LIBRA
Sept. 23-Oct. 23
As you get bored this week, consider taking the hard drive out of your computer and using the discs as Frisbees. Plan on buying a new computer.
SCORPIO
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
If you can't find direction in your life, put off the quest for meaning with a year-long game of cricket.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 23-Dec. 21
Change your favorite color to orange. It's the most versatile of the colors; you can eat it with chicken, wear it in clothes, drink it in soda, even paint your dog orange.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22-Jan. 20
Brace yourself for finals. The hordes of Viking instructors are out to pillage your grades and sanity.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Only suckers volunteer. The truly wise person volunteers someone else.
PISCES
Feb. 20-March 20
Absolutely, positively, never, ever, under any circumstances, read the directions. Just say no.
March 21-April 20
Open the horizons of art for a young child who is distantly related to you by giving them a violin. Take pleasure in the suffering of their parents.
TAURUS
April 21-May 20
Show your friendly and outgoing nature to the people you meet this week by giving them breath mints.
GEMINI
May 21-June 21
Only pansies and boozers wear suits. Real people wear real clothes: real men wear muscle shirts and cut-offs and real women wear sweatpants and stained T-shirts.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
To flesh out your résumé and demonstrate your roundedness as a person, add all the cons that you have attended. Gen Con and Dragon*Con are important experiences for that new job.
LEO
July 23-Aug. 22
Observe Talk Like a Cockney Day on April 25. This little-known progeny of Talk like a Pirate Day is one of the hottest up-and-coming holidays. It's sure to rival Boxing Day in the near future.
VIRGO
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Buy yourself a slurpie and chug it. If you can chug it in under 30 seconds, something good might happen . . . it's called a brain freeze.
LIBRA
Sept. 23-Oct. 23
As you get bored this week, consider taking the hard drive out of your computer and using the discs as Frisbees. Plan on buying a new computer.
SCORPIO
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
If you can't find direction in your life, put off the quest for meaning with a year-long game of cricket.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 23-Dec. 21
Change your favorite color to orange. It's the most versatile of the colors; you can eat it with chicken, wear it in clothes, drink it in soda, even paint your dog orange.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22-Jan. 20
Brace yourself for finals. The hordes of Viking instructors are out to pillage your grades and sanity.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Only suckers volunteer. The truly wise person volunteers someone else.
PISCES
Feb. 20-March 20
Absolutely, positively, never, ever, under any circumstances, read the directions. Just say no.
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