Spring Break
Horoscopes
Hassel Wander, The British Persian
Issue date: 3/5/07 Section: Culture
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ARIES
March 21-April 20
Nice dress, ma'am. Please pass the salt, not the hand grenades.
TAURUS
April 21-May 20
Hugs, not pugs. Or, at least get a nice terrier - those pugs are vicious.
GEMINI
May 21-June 21
Duh.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
Look to the dimple. It fills the void of silence with a wonderful void.
LEO
July 23-Aug. 22
Purple ice cream has no liver, so it should stick with cranberry juice. And so should you.
VIRGO
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Try a parmesan steak. I hear the A.1. sauce really completes the flavor.
LIBRA
Sept. 23-Oct. 23
Go to a bar. Have a few drinks. Write yourself a horoscope. On a napkin.
SCORPIO
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
Spam and welding torches are in your future. Exercise caution.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 23-Dec. 21
Psych! Tubular. Gnarly. Bodacious! Dude. Seriously dude! Dude.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22-Jan. 20
Embrace uncertainty. Truth can never be found while you hold to dogma like a rat to a sinking ship.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Find a beautiful person sitting across from you. Don't worry, they're here now, and that's what matters.
PISCES
Feb. 20-March 20
To make it through midterms, creep like a mouse, bite like a llama.
March 21-April 20
Nice dress, ma'am. Please pass the salt, not the hand grenades.
TAURUS
April 21-May 20
Hugs, not pugs. Or, at least get a nice terrier - those pugs are vicious.
GEMINI
May 21-June 21
Duh.
CANCER
June 22-July 22
Look to the dimple. It fills the void of silence with a wonderful void.
LEO
July 23-Aug. 22
Purple ice cream has no liver, so it should stick with cranberry juice. And so should you.
VIRGO
Aug. 23-Sept. 22
Try a parmesan steak. I hear the A.1. sauce really completes the flavor.
LIBRA
Sept. 23-Oct. 23
Go to a bar. Have a few drinks. Write yourself a horoscope. On a napkin.
SCORPIO
Oct. 24-Nov. 22
Spam and welding torches are in your future. Exercise caution.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov. 23-Dec. 21
Psych! Tubular. Gnarly. Bodacious! Dude. Seriously dude! Dude.
CAPRICORN
Dec. 22-Jan. 20
Embrace uncertainty. Truth can never be found while you hold to dogma like a rat to a sinking ship.
AQUARIUS
Jan. 21-Feb. 19
Find a beautiful person sitting across from you. Don't worry, they're here now, and that's what matters.
PISCES
Feb. 20-March 20
To make it through midterms, creep like a mouse, bite like a llama.
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